BY SADE AKANNI
(Living Seed Vol. 10 No. 2 June 2003)
“ And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and He took one of His ribs, and closed up the flesh thereof; And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman and brought her unto the man.” Gen2:18,21-22
It is important to note from this scripture that God saw the need for a helper in the life of the man, a need which Adam probably did not even see at first. He kept labouring alone, doing what the Lord gave him to do. But the Lord who knew the need ahead of Adam, decided in His mercy to make a suitable helper for him. The making of the woman for the man is an act of God’s mercy and kindness. There may be men in our time who, like Adam, are busy serving the Lord but may not yet know the need for a wife, a helper in their lives. God is thinking about you all the same. He did not wait until Adam saw the need, neither did He wait for him (Adam) to request for a helper before the Lord set in motion the process of making his wife. “Whosoever findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord”.
The woman is God’s favour unto a man irrespective of his full understanding of the need, though this is necessary. Again from Gen. 2: 21-22 above, you will discover that God used part of Adam’s bones to make his wife. The woman was made from the man; she was not made from another source. This is a divine favour indeed which we need to see in order to relevantly tap God’s resources in our wives.
Adam ’s bone was used to make a helper from him. Every woman is her husband’s bone, magnified and multiplied. Both the man and his wife were of the same make. She was made to fit him and to fit his situation.
As men, the task which God has reserved for us is quite enormous . There are some certain good works which God has ordained before, that we should walk in them (Eph 2:10).
“Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God has prepared for them that love him”. 1 Cor 2-9).
Because God sees ahead of us, he also thinks ahead of us and prepares the right wife for each of His men at the right time in their walk with Him… Every unmarried man must therefore learn to receive this divine favour from God. You must open your heart to God so that His help may not pass over you. You may have had a rough experience in choosing a marriage partner, but that is not enough a reason to close up your mind over this matter. Your experience may be an interplay of several factors. You will do well to pay close attention to what lessons God may want you to learn in that situation and trust God to bring His will to pass in your life. God particularly made your wife from your inner being (your bones) in order for her to be a wife that fits your situation. God who knows the end from the beginning, saw the great task ahead of you in making that woman for you. He who knows your need and your future, decided to plan ahead for you. You can now see the need for you to make the most of this privilege, this favour in order to accomplish God’s purpose for your Life.
Again, before God made the woman out of the man’s bones, a suitable help was sought for him among the beasts of the field “…. but for Adam there was not found an help fit for him” (Gen 2:20). There are some men who, in order to avoid marriage may try to find help and company in animal pets. No matter how friendly and useful these pets may be, none of them has the ability to be a help fit for him. No pet is made to be a help suitable for the man in accomplishing the purpose of God for his life. Your wife is the suitable help that God made for you. She was made from you and for you and she is posted permanently into your life for the purpose of the work He has prepared for you to do. With all that, God still gives an assurance in His word that anytime you discover a need in any aspects of her life, He is still in the business of “making”. He still says in Gen 2:18 “I will make…” He did not say “I have made…” All you need to do is to apply to the Maker and she will be taken to God’s own divine workshop where He makes His woman. When He finishes, He will bring her unto you as He did unto Adam.
Furthermore, there is a “loophole”, an empty space in the life of every married man. Imagine what happened when God removed that rib from Adam’s bones. A space was created. But this ‘hole’ is often not easily seen because God Himself decided to cover it. That empty space is there in your life so that your wife can have a space to fit into your life. There may be men who seem so ‘complete’ in themselves even though they are married. They do all the thinking and planning alone, go to the market by themselves and even serve God alone with no due regard for their wives. God never made us so. The fact that the ‘loophole’ in your life is not apparent does not mean it is not there . No matter how much you try to make up, no one else can fit into that hole: not your father, mother, friends or children, not even yourself. Only your wife can fit into it because she is the one that was taken out of there. Why not therefore settle down with her to discover what help God has hidden inside her for you?
“Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall the one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?” -(Eccl 4:9-10).
Furthermore from this scripture, God saw the possibility of man falling. It is not His perfect will for us to fall, but peradventure man falls, there should be a ‘helper’ to help him up. That was another purpose for marriage in God’s mind. She was made a helper suitable for him even in time of falling. ‘But woe to him that is alone when he falls…’ It is a hard experience to enter into. Even God says it is a ‘Woe’ for a man to be alone when he falls. Things may look good for you now but you must not think you are complete and that you will never have a serious need of her in the future.
Again, there is a spiritual warmth and even physical, that God ordained for men to have as they relate with their wives. Even if we have friction in relating together, scientifically speaking, friction normally produces warmth. God expects that such friction should only lead us into having a deeper relationship, a warmer fellowship between us as we tolerate each other.
As all these and many more ‘helps’ have been packaged in your wife’s life – you therefore have a need to earnestly look up to God in order not to receive the grace of God in vain.
Finding a help fit for your Life
Having seen at least a glimpse of what great grace God has embedded in the life of a woman, it becomes necessary for us to find out how an unmarried man can find a help fit for him, “Houses and riches are the inheritance of the fathers; and a prudent wife is from the Lord” (Prov. 19:14).
Only the Lord gives a prudent wife. There are many ways of getting houses and riches. It can be passed to you as inheritance from the fathers or through your own hard work, but a prudent wife can not be got that way. We have discovered earlier on that it is God that makes. He is the one that said “I will make him an help fit for him”( Gen 2:18). A prudent wife can only be got from above, not from ‘abroad’, nor from ‘around’.
Some brothers look for a virtuous wife from among their own tribe, thinking that having the same language and tradition will make her prudent and understanding. Some look for her among their social class, thinking education is the key. Others look for a prudent wife through their mothers, fathers, friends or relatives, thinking they can see better. May you be wise today to know that a wife with prudence and understanding is only from the Lord. Though all these other ways may look like short cuts, they are dangerous. They are not the way.
How did Adam get his own wife from the Lord? Read Gen. 2:21-22 again;
“And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and He took one of His ribs, and closed up the flesh thereof; And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman and brought her unto the man.”
It was God that conceived the idea for him. Let God think for you. Let it not be by the pressure of your parents or friends. Let it be God that will inform you of His intention. Just get busy doing the will of God. An idle man does not need any help. Get busy serving God and at the right time God who knows your needs, will provide a wife for you.
Furthermore, God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept . God is always willing to give you grace to relax and refuse to be worried over the matter. But you must agree to sleep. Stop testing girls. Stop your trial and error gesture. Pray earnestly, seeking God’s face to know who is the will of God for you to marry, who it is in particular that God has prepared for you. The Lord is good unto those that wait for Him, to the soul that seeks Him. He will speak to you. He will answer you. He will not give you a stone instead of bread or a snake instead of fish. He will give you the best. So then, have your rest over the matter. Take your burden to the Lord and leave it there. Do not take it upon yourself again. The matter is beyond you. Just as the Lord did unto Adam, He will bring her across your way at the right time.
Finding a ‘wife’ in your Wife
“Whosoever findeth a wife findeth a good thing” Prov 18:22
As earlier said, the help you need to live a practically satisfying Christian life and fulfil God’s call on your life is parceled by God into your wife. If you are yet single, you can serve God and your service will be acceptable. Your help is not yet tied into any woman’s life. Just as Isaac’s destiny was not tied unto Rebecca’s life until she said “I will go” (Gen 22:17,18; Gen 24:58-60). But as a married man, your wife is the suitable helper that God made for you. All that she is and has, whether spiritual or physical is for you. All those things are parcelled into her life by God for you. However it is one thing to be married, it is another thing to find a ‘wife’ (a helper) in your wife. Every parceled gift has to first be received and then opened, before you can know, enjoy and use what is inside. And there is a right key to open each parcel. It is possible that some may think that a wife is an automatic machine that will begin to release all that was put in her as soon as you marry her. We saw in the last edition, the responsibility of a wife in ensuring a continuous flow of God’s grace placed in her life for her husband. We shall not go into that again here. But as a married man, you also need to know, without cajoling yourself that it is not automatic. Even for Jesus Christ our Lord, it was not automatic. For the church to become the kind of wife He will cherish, a wife without spot or wrinkle, the wife that will help him rule in the midst of His enemies and fulfil His ministry, it was not automatic. He had to leave His glory above, and leave His father to come and lay down His life for us. And up till now, He ever lives to intercede for us.
Tapping God’s help in your wife does not come automatically. As Christians, you may begin to enjoy a little of that help immediately after wedding but that is only because of what Christ has done previously. For you to enjoy that help and that favour of God in full, there are things you must do, just as Christ did to the Church. If you study Eph 5:22-30, you will discover that your relationship with your wife is likened to that of Christ with the Church. Note the phrases “even as” “So ought men…” in Vs 23,25, 28,29. There is a nourishing you must do to your wife before she can become cherish able. Every finding is normally preceded by a seeking. “Whosoever findeth a wife…” To find “a wife” in your wife, there is a seeking that you must do. The little help and submission you are getting from her now can not be compared with what lies in stock for you in her life if you will obey God and be responsible.
Money cannot give a prudent wife. We have seen men in our times whose homes are battle grounds despite the riches they lavish on their wives. Your physical strength can also not give you “a wife” in your wife. She can not be got by the use of punches. Reporting her to her parents or yours can not make her prudent either. God has not yet given man the recipe for making his wife to become prudent by his own ability. Your desire for your wife to be godly, a woman whom you can be proud of can only be met by the Maker, the Father of lights. With Him nothing is hidden. He knows you and your wife inside out. He is the one that makes women and makes them prudent. Wait on Him and for Him. The Lord is good unto all them that wait for Him.
Furthermore, there is a process unto getting a prudent wife from the Lord. There are also some steps a man needs to take in order to obtain prudence in the wife he has already married. Let us look at that Scripture again:
“ Whoso findeth a wife…” Prov. . 18:22
There is a seeking that must be done before finding. Praying to get such a wife is not just a matter of asking . It is a prayer of “seeking”. You must be ready to seek and seek and seek until you find. You must be willing to persevere in the place of prayer and you will surely find.
Once you are married, there is no room for looking back (except a man who married another man’s wife). Whichever way you contracted your marriage, marriage is honourable in all. (Heb 13:4) It is time to stop playing gimmicks and making excuses. No matter her present situation, you will do well to open your heart to receive her as from the Lord. God is still in the process of making His women up till today, if you care to take her up to the Lord in prayer.
Is your wife strong-willed and stubborn that she always wants to have her way? Is she nagging and complaining, never satisfied with anything you do? Is she quarrelsome or lazy and individualistic? Is she unproductive? Isaac entreated the Lord for his unproductive wife (Gen 25:21). I am personally a living testimony of what God can do in response to a husband’s prayer. There is no woman who is beyond God’s making. Have you taken her to the Lord in prayer or you are still using the arm of flesh? Each time you do that God simply removes His hands leaving you with your struggles.. He suspends whatever dealing He has been giving your wife. You see her suddenly become worse than before as soon as you put in your own self-effort. No flesh must glory in God’s sight. When you are tired of your efforts and you hand over the matter to God again, He will have to start all over again. That is the picture in many homes today, many husbands keep taking their matter to God and taking it away from God again and again to handle it by SELF effort. And so there is little or no progress. Seek the face of the Lord over this matter. Pray until something happens. There is always a shell covering the life in an egg. There is a chaff covering every wheat. That hard shell in her life will soon give way and the grace within will begin to ooze so much that you will be amazed. Christ is the one that has the keys of David who opens and no man shuts. And if he shuts, no man can open (Rev 3:7). He is the only one that has the key to open unto you the treasures placed in your wife for you. He knows what to do to break her. He knows the little wisdom to give you that can melt her and bring about a release of the treasures within. His wisdom may sound foolish to you, but if you seek His face and heed His instructions, what you are looking for will soon be yours. But Remember! Only the man that seeks, finds.
Receive her… from the Lord.
“whoso findeth a wife … obtaineth favour of the Lord” (Prov. 18:22)
Every wife is a favour from the Lord. That scripture did not say “whoso findeth a good and submissive wife findeth a good thing …” The present state of your wife not withstanding, she is a good thing, a favour from the Lord, a good gift from the Almighty. “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” (James, 1:17). God the Father of lights, who knows you and your future and the needs and the tendencies of your life, decided to plan ahead for you by giving you that wife. She is a good gift. She is from above, posted from the father of lights.
Open your heart and receive her. A gift does not become yours and useful to you until you receive it first of all. Even though that woman is in your house already, you are yet to receive her. You have been complaining about her or you may have even been struggling to use her but have found it difficult because you have not received her as from the Lord. Open your heart to God in prayer and receive that your wife with a thankful heart. Even if there are some complaints you have against her, those shortcomings are only from what you see on the covering of the parcel. There is a treasure within. Receive her and every other matter can then be taken to God in prayer. He knows how to handle them.
If you give your child a gift and the first thing he does ever before receiving it is to complain about the dirty and rough covering, what will you do? Definitely you will not be happy with that child. Even your earthly fathers know how to give good gifts to their children. How much more our heavenly Father. When you complain about your wife without first of all deliberately and consciously receiving her as from the Lord even God wonders at such an action. Whatever you need in your wife will only be molded into her life as you first receive her with thanksgiving from the Lord. All the potential to be the help you need is already inside her. These things will grow and burst forth in her life with time, but receive her first, then she will be yours.
Pray to Know Who She is
“Therefore my people are gone into captivity, because they have no knowledge…” Isa. 5:13
“ And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof. And the rib which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
And Adam said, this is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: She shall be
called Woman, because she was taken out of man” Gen 2:21-23.
Lack of knowledge normally brings languishing. Anywhere ignorance is found, it is always accompanied by unnecessary suffering. But knowledge brings light and things are made easier when there is an accurate knowledge of what you are dealing with. Even though you are married, it will be wrong to assume that you know the wife you have married. No man knows the things of a man except the spirit of a man which is in him (1 Cor 2:11). Only God knows the heart of a man (or a woman), and He does that even by searching (Jeremiah 17:10). I then wonder how you think you know or can know your wife by ordinarily relating with her in marriage.
Before the Lord started the process of making the woman, He put Adam into a deep sleep. From the beginning of the operation to the end of it, the man was deeply asleep. So how did he know that God used his bones to make the woman? How did he know accurately what was inside the life of that woman? After all the Lord had already closed up the hole from which the rib was taken. It could not have been a guess work. It must have been by the Spirit of God. He got the correct knowledge of who she was, and what God put in her life for him. He said “This now, is the bone of my bones, and the flesh of my flesh”. He knew by revelation that what was missing in his life was hidden inside his wife. That formed the basis of his relationship with her from that point. It formed the reason behind the name he gave her (woman). It was that same revelation that formed the basis of a man leaving his father and mother to cleave unto his wife. That was also what inspired him to be naked to his wife without feeling ashamed or having a fear of losing out.
Many husbands call their wives different kinds of names today: Love, Darling, Honey, My dear, etc.’ If there is a God-given revelation behind what you call your wife, it is quite alright. But certainly, many are based on fantasy and cajole. This is evident in the way they handle their wives. In the same way, you will find it difficult to cut the umbilical cord that ties you to your parents, and break the bridge connecting you with them if you have not known who your wife is. Furthermore to be open and naked to her without feeling ashamed will also be difficult as this is only made possible when God opens your eyes to see the treasure inside her life for you.
Eyes have not seen, ears have not heard, neither has it entered into the heart of any man, what the Lord has laid in stock for you inside your wife. It takes the Spirit of God. It takes revelation. Tapping God’s resources in your wife only becomes meaningful and effective as you know what treasures lie within. Therefore you must pray. You must not be complacent. Pray for your eyes to be opened to see. As God revealed this to Adam, He will do it for you also.
Leave… and cleave
“ Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh”. (Gen. 2:24).
It is difficult to get a full release of God’s help embedded in your wife when you are still holding tight to your father, mother, brothers, sisters and friends. It only shows that you have not yet seen that whatever help you can receive from them cannot be suitable enough. It can not be compared with ‘you’, “yourself’ helping you. When God shows you who your own wife is, and the job description she has been given for you, you will run away from all else and cleave to her without needing to be begged. Again this shows that you have a need to know her by revelation. You must pray.
As you leave all else and cleave, fitting tightly and properly to her, the current of God’s help and resources in her life will flow towards you without any leakage or wastage.
Be Naked to her.
“And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed” Gen. 2:25.
This scripture would still have made sense if it read: “And they were both naked, and were not ashamed. But God added “… the man and his wife”. It is important to note even the order of nakedness. Nakedness is expected from the man. This will automatically provoke nakedness from his wife. This is contrary to what happens today. The man often demands, and some even by force, that his wife open up all the fabrics of her life unto him while he keeps ‘his own secrets. If she dares to cover up something and her husband accidentally discovers it, she is punished severely. But if any husband will follow the word of God, you will note that God demands your own nakedness first.
A woman will easily open up her life unto a man who has proved selflessly open and trustworthy. That is the key. Most women will withdraw into their shells even though they are not supposed to, when they find their husbands selfish and exploiting them. This makes it difficult for a husband to tap and receive help from her life.
Some say “my wife is like a parrot. Anything you tell her, you will hear it in the market.” That may be true. But will you disobey God and close up eternal things meant for you in her life because of that? As said earlier, God is still in the business of making. He will make her to be able to keep secrets and control her tongue if you take the matter to the Lord in prayer.
Love and shield her …
“ Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave himself for it.” Eph. 5:25.
This is another crucial key unto tapping God’s help in the life of your wife. How did Christ show his love to the Church? By laying down His life for her. He left His glory and the beauty of heaven to come down into this wicked world to pay the price for our redemption. And He did all this not when we loved Him, not when we were obedient to Him. While we (His bride, the Church) were yet sinners, wicked, rebellious, disobedient, Christ died for us. Can you see what God is expecting from your life as a husband?
Many husbands will not mind dying for their obedient, loving and caring wives. However, that is nothing extra-ordinary. Even unbelievers do the same. No reward for that. But if you love your wife when she is uncaring and disobedient, you will be obeying God and following Christ’s example. Such moments are God-given opportunities for you to prove the love of God and resemble Christ. Unfortunately there may be many husbands who miss such opportunities and so, have no record of love in heaven. Christ loves the church and shields her from dangers, even from the tongue-lashes of men. Variously we see Jesus do this to His disciples in the scriptures. He protected them from being destroyed by storms on the sea and shielded them from the tongue of the Pharisees. That built confidence and trust in the hearts of the disciples towards Him. It propelled them to go all the way with the Lord, even when it meant suffering.
Do you desire your wife to go all the way with you? Check your behaviour towards her. Do you really love her according to God’s own definition of love (1 Jn.4:10)? Do you shield her in time of trouble or do you dissociate yourself from her? Do you shield her from the blackmail and tongue-lashing of your parents and people? How do you expect to reap what you have not sown? Love, confidence and godly resourcefulness will ooze out of her life towards you as you apply the right key.
Teach her Gods word
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it; that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.” Eph. 5:25-27.
For any godly character to be developed, for any heavenly fruit to be produced, the seed is the word of God (Lk. 8:11). The word of God is the seed that produces anything godly in the life of any man. When God desires to use a man to accomplish a purpose in ten years’ time, He plants the seed today.
No woman is an angel at the point of marriage. Even men are not. We are all still growing in our spiritual lives moving unto perfection. Therefore just as the Lord Jesus had to teach the church His word in order to sanctify her and remove every blemish from her, so also God expects every husband to do to his wife. It is your responsibility to teach her. You are her head as God has placed her under your authority. If she is at present not submitting to your authority nor yielding to your teaching, you may need to check your life. Even the human head controls the body effectively without making any noise. Check your life. May be your life does not yet command respect.
God has placed in your hands, the tool to change your wife and remove every spot, wrinkle or blemish from her life. Every blemish you see in her life has a word from God to remove it. What effort have you made to teach your wife the word of God? You go to conferences, retreats and conventions and feed fat in the presence of God, while you leave your wife at home languishing and suffering with the children and home. How many times have you bought Christian novels and tapes specifically for your wife? When have you ever taken it upon yourself to stay at home with the children while you release and sponsor your wife to go for a retreat? Some men do not even care enough to pray with their wives. Know for sure that God is not mocked. Whatever a man sows, that shall he reap. She can only become godly and resourceful towards you as you start planting the seed of the kingdom in her life from now on. May you heed God’s instruction to you today in Jesus’s name.
Nourish her
“ For no man ever yet hated his own body: but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord, the church” (Eph. 5:29).
There are things, treasures that are cherishable inside your wife’s life, but which are still mixed up with rubbish. Some men unfortunately encounter the rubbish first, so they decide to throw away both the treasure and the rubbish. The rubbish you encounter in your wife today is not enough reason to abandon her and put her at an arm’s length. If you do, you are only harming yourself. Where else, will you get those treasures, those ‘helps’, those ‘graces’ that God put inside her for you? Friends or parents are not given the ability to supply that need in your life. They can help you to some extent, but their help is not suitable for you. Even though your wife is lean spiritually or even physically today, she will soon become fat and resourceful if you nourish her, just as the Lord nourishes the church spiritually and supplies her needs physically, so God commands you husbands to nourish your wives. We have talked about spiritual nourishing. Physical nourishment is also a very important key unto tapping God’s grace in the life of your wife. It is your God-given responsibility. Even though you have no big bank account to be spending on her, Jesus Christ your spring, never runs dry. Each time you see a need whether for food or clothing or any other physical need in her life, you can pray and receive provision from God who gave her to you. He will never fail, nor put to shame those who trust in Him.
There is a cherishing that normally follows nourishing. Is your wife prayer-less, lazy or does she gossip? Is she disobedient and complacent? Those are signs of spiritual malnutrition. Nourish her with the word of God and with your prayers, she will soon become a cherishable wife to you.
Conclusion
When a man sees a pearl of great price hidden in a field, he sells all that he has to buy that field. Let God open your eyes to see the great treasures that yet lie dormant in your wife for you. If you see it, you will do all that you can, to reach unto it and tap it, especially since there is no other help uniquely suitable for you to fulfil God’s purpose for creating and saving you. The man sells ‘all’ he has and buys that field. Sell all that you have: Sell out all other affection, sell out all other women that flock around you; sell out all other fields that look inviting, though with no ‘pearl’ uniquely embedded therein for your life and ministry… Buy this field.
Boaz advertised “the field” to the near kinsman but the kinsman wanted the field without the ‘Ruth’… The pearl is in the “Ruth”… Buy this field…. Take all of your wife – sweet and bitter; buy it all and you will possess the hidden treasures. May you not eat the bread of idleness and complacency over this matter. May God cause you to arise and make the most of God’s resources placed in the life of your wife for you in Jesus’ name – Amen.
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