HOW TO BE A REAL HUSBAND
BY Gbile Akanni
| W |
Whereas the big need for the woman is to learn submission again, since the fall, the greatest problem with man is his selfishness. He seeks to exercise authority for self interest. He wants to lord it over the woman, without any compassion. When he gives to her, it is only to enslave her and exploit her. It is for her to service his ego. He loses considerateness for her. Lust for women in men is so strong, but not as an object of loving care, but as an object of self satisfaction. Carnal men will give anything to woo a woman to sex, but once finished, his heart is shifted to something else, worse still he switches over to another girl.
This matter of love in the heart of the man for the wife is what God looks for in every marital relationship He has instituted. Whereas, many a wife will be satisfied if the husband brings goods home and fill her with superficial care, God is not impressed until he gives himself to her, even as Christ did for the Church. The home is where God seeks to shower His love to the woman but through the instrumentality of the husband. Let us study the instruction to husbands in our passage of study:
For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Saviour of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.
So, husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cheriches it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevetheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Eph.5:28-33 (NKJV)
As we look intently at the various issues and analogy this passage has used to describe the place of the husband, one striking thing that jumps out is the direct comparison of the husband’s role with that of Christ towards the Church. Every married man has the mandate of representing the Lord Jesus to his wife as accurately as possible, in love, in selfless sacrifice, in sanctification, in washing and cleansing of the wife till she is presentable without any spot or wrinkle.
Husband … “the Head “
The husband is the head of the wife as also Christ is the head of the church; and He is the Saviour of the body. The entire coordination of the human body is actually located in the head. All the special sensory organs are located in the head. The nervous system, which controls all reflexes and signals, has its base in the head. It is from the head that the entire plan regarding the body is hatched. To understand that the husband is the head of the wife, just like Christ is the head of the church is a grave responsibility.
He is not just a leader who just directs, he must see ahead for the wife! He must see the vision of the future and must not be myopic. He must-see the danger before it comes and arrange how the wife and his children will avert it. He must hear the Lord and His word for the woman! While she is growing in intimacy with the Lord personally, it is incumbent on the husband to hear and discern what the will of the Lord is for the family, especially for his wife. The point of intake is also located in the head. Nothing must come into the body, if it has not passed through the mouth or the nose! All these organs are located in the head. The taste bud is located in the mouth, while there is a sieve within the nose that will not allow dust and other dangerous particles to rush into the lungs. If this is the divine expectation of God for a husband towards his wife, then it is a sobering challenge. The husband must be the first to taste every situation coming to his household before the wife is confronted with such challenges.
lf Adam had remained the head that God made him; he could have foiled the plan of Satan at Eden. He rather hearkened to the voice and instruction of the wife and ate of the fruit. Though the woman had eaten of the fruit of the tree, Satan’s game plan would have failed if he stood his ground, refused and corrected his wife.
If the head functions properly even in a human body, no part of the body will suffer damage, once it submits to the instruction from the head. The hand does not beg the eye to see for it. The leg does not plead with the eye to see where to place it lest it falls into the pit. The husband ought to respond to the needs of the wife not by any carnal persuasion, but as a matter of inner reflex. As the head, the husband must know the reason behind every action more than the wife. Parts of the body most of the time do not know why they must act the way the head instructed them by reflex. The eyelids for example close by reflex in the face of danger, even before knowing what the danger itself is. Submission to the nervous system is all it needs to be kept safe.
He must be more in revelation than the wife. As the head in a human body gives interpretation to every stimulus that comes on the body, so must a husband be able to bring meaning and interpretation to things that are happening to his wife. Even her visions and dreams will only find meaning and context when the husband comes to put it in perspective.
The headship we have been discussing here is more of a grave responsibility on the husband rather than a lording it over. It is not a status we are concerned about here but the service that the head renders continually to the body to keep it functioning all the time.
Husband … “the Saviour”
As Christ is the Saviour of the body, so also must the husband be to his wife. In this case, he is like the defender, the protector, the scapegoat and the ransom. He keeps the vigil against any assault of the enemy, while the wife is sleeping. He fights battles to keep his home safe and secure. He must be the shepherd of his own family. He fends for them and seeks ahead of time a resting place for them. As the Lord usually moved with the Ark to seek a resting place, well watered and with green pasture for the children of Israel in the wilderness, so also must a husband rise early before day to seek direction for himself and for his wife and children. He seeks refreshing even out of a rocky situation.
How will the husband discharge these responsibilities and not become a tyrant and a bully? How does he relate with the wife if she is so dependent on him and he would not have made her a door mat? The key is again found in the instruction of the Lord here. The standard of measurement is again highlighted, which is Christ Jesus Himself.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.
The motivation for this kind of service is love, the “Agape”. It is love from the heart. It is the selfless, sacrificial love. This love is not the one developed at sight. It is not the kind that is reciprocated in response to some good thing the wife has done. It is not the love that men sing about when they are emotionally overpowered by the charm of the beauty of the wife. Any of such kind of love or pull of attraction will fade and fail with time and familiarity. It is actually the love of God shed abroad in a man’s heart by the Holy Spirit. It is not the ordinary love that we develop out of ‘fondness’ or some closeness. It comes only from God. Every husband must receive this heart of love from God before he can perform these roles.
Many husbands presume that they love their wives because she is very useful to them. They presume they have that love because of the pull towards her at the beginning. I must say that this kind of love is not first and foremost a feeling or good thought towards your spouse. It is a commitment to her welfare at the expense of your own life. It is independent of her behaviour. It is not a response to something she does well all the time. It is just because she is the bone of your bones and the one the Lord brought to you to partner with you all through your life. Love your wife just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself for her.
To appreciate the dimension of the love you are expected to demonstrate daily towards your wife, let us examine how Jesus loved the church.
Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in out hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him.
For if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life.
And not only that, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation. Therefore, just as through one man sin entered the world, and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men, because all sinned–Rom 5:5-12 (NKJ V)
The love of Christ is hereby demonstrated to us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for the ungodly. He did not die for us when we became useful to him or when we became righteous. It was not when we became prayerful that he now saw the need to die for us. It was while we were yet ungodly; while we were still without strength; while we were still His enemies that He went to the cross of Calvary to lay down His life for our salvation. He who knew no sin became sin that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. He did not just give up his goods or other things external to him to redeem us. He gave himself for you and
me as our ransom. He became the scapegoat for our own iniquity. This is further confirmed in the epistle of 1 John 4: 9-11
In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for out sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another KJV
It is not that we loved him first. He loved us unconditionally and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. He was not responding to anything we have done. It was not our repentance that took him to the cross. We actually mocked Him and despised Him, yet He loved us to the point of death. He laid His very life down for us and did not charge us for it. He gave Himself for us without any reservation.
Now, this is the kind of love God expects the husband to show and demonstrate in practice to his wife on His behalf. Wives ought to see and experience this kind of love of Christ but through their husbands. It is love that believes all things and hopes for all things concerning the wife. It is the kind of love that endures all things and abides forever. It does not end; neither does it finish in-the heart. It never gives up. It is the love that forgives and forgives again. It is the kind of love that does not keep the record of wrong. It will forgive seventy times seven times of offences daily and not have it on record that it has forgiven so much: It is the love that covers a multitude of sins. It provides a covering of mercy every day in the heart of the husband for his wife. It is the love that remains compassionate no matter the foolish behaviour of the wife. It is this love that makes a man to lay down his very life and indeed all other things along with it for the sake of the other, without any hope of receiving it back. Until your love for your wife comes to this extent, the Lord will not be satisfied. Each husband needs to cry to the Lord for an outpouring of this kind of love in his heart. It is not natural with any man.
“…And gave Himself for Her”
We cannot over emphasise this point. It is not some things He gave us. It was Himself in totality. It was not His properties He gave us. It was all of Him. This includes His name, his glory and his influence. This is what we need to look into in
your relationship with your wife as husband. Have you so loved your wife as to lay your very life out and down for her. Does she have access to all of you and all about you? Can she freely use all your privileges? Is she accepted as a joint heir with you of all you have and hold? Does she have a right into your very life now?
Can she draw personal benefit from all that you are? Jesus said, “No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you.” John 15:15 (NKJV). How is she to you? A friend and a close confidant who knows all about you and all you are doing or just a little more than a house girl? This kind of love will bring her into your very bosom. She will know all that you have known in life. She will be a part of all you are.
Husband … “the Priest”
“That He Might Sanctify And Cleanse Her…”
It seems clear to me that Christ accepted the responsibility of making His Church holy and acceptable before the Father. He went all the way to sanctify Himself that she may be sanctified by the truth. He was not complaining about our short comings and failure to meet up His holy and righteous standards. He was not using our weaknesses to abuse us and as a trap to hook us. He rather invested Himself in the matter of our sanctification. He knew He could not lower the standard to accommodate us, but He rather paid the price to bring us up to meet God’s own requirement of holiness. In John 17: 17, 19, He said. “Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth. And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.”(KJV)
In Christ we see the model of a real husband. He was not waiting for the bride to struggle to meet His own standard. He rather sanctified Himself, so the Church might also be sanctified through the truth. Since the word “just as Christ also” was repeatedly used in this passage, it implies that even the sanctification of the wife; her spiritual growth in grace and holiness; her conformity to the image of the Lord Jesus will be the responsibility of the husband to make adequate provision for.
As we saw Christ prayed for the Church to be sanctified by the truth, and to be kept from contamination from the world, so must each husband take this priestly ministry of intercession seriously until the wife has definitely known victory over sin and the flesh. It must be his burden at the place of prayer to see his wife grow up in the will of God. All the wrong things as yet in her character are not meant to be points of argument or reproach against her. They are not issues of discussion with friends or relatives. They are the issues he must take up personally at the throne of grace. As Isaac entreated the Lord concerning the barrenness of his wife, Rebekkah, so must every husband entreat the Lord for every area of spiritual barrenness in the life of his wife. All these must be done with the breastplate of love on his heart. He does not come to the Lord as a champion who is only lending a helping hand to a weakling. He comes to the Lord in humility, knowing it is first and foremost his personal problem, since she is actually part of him
“…. I sanctify myself, that…’
Further still, we noticed that Christ did not only pray for the Church to be sanctified, but He also actually took a practical step in this regard. He said “For their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth”. What a practical step every husband must consider! Many wish their wives to change and be modest and spiritual while they themselves are stagnant. Christ provided an example in Himself to become an audio visual aid for the church. He gave up what would have been ordinarily His right, so we can have a pattern in Him to follow.
This is another matter in which the husband must arise in love to pursue for his wife. He must become in his own life a pattern of godliness. If he wants to make his wife prayerful, he must set himseif apart in the place of prayer as well. A wife cannot grow to be what her husband is not. There are habits of life that he must personally forgo for the sake of his wife and the children, so they can be sanctified in that area of life as well. It is such an onerous task a husband must apply himself to in order to be an example and a pattern of Christian living before the eyes of his wife. Every wife must have the husband as the audio visual aid in their home in order to grow properly in Christ Jesus.
Beloved husband, have you sanctified yourself from careless habits of life, lying and exaggeration, extravagant spending, prayerlessness and casualness so that your wife and children might be sanctified through the truth of God’s word? Have you denied your self of some lawful but not expedient things so that your wife can find a clear path to her sanctification from her old addictions? Have you sanctified yourself from wrong friends and business partners, so your wife can find an easy way out of her unequal yoke with frivolous, light-hearted believers who keep pulling her back into worldliness? Have you sanctified yourself from the chase for new and expensive clothes, cars and other electronics so that your wife can be sanctified from the personal vanity she inherited from her mother in acquiring jewels and make-ups? Though she hears good sermon and teachings in the Church or fellowship, she cannot be sanctified until she sees a sanctified man in you.
“…. by the washing of water”
The next step we saw Christ take in order to sanctify and cleanse the church is the washing of water by the word. He said in John 15:3 that “Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you.” This has to do with the teaching of the truth, It is the word of God faithfully taught that can cleanse a man’s way. No one is made holy by wishful thinking. It is by the truth of God’s word. Christ deliberately sat on the Mount, in the garden, and in solitary places to teach the word of life to the disciples that they may be sanctified from sin and the old life of the flesh. He taught them the principles of kingdom living. He rebuked them with the word of God when they were going astray. He pointed them to the scripture. He was not arbitrary in His teaching. He taught them principles of praying and of ministry. He taught them how to handle a new convert and a person in whom demons had been cast out. He by practical life and in ordinary situations expounded scripture to them. He used illustrations from their common knowledge of fishing or farming to teach biblical principles. He took them to the mountain to be transfigured in their eyes, so they can have a more firm conviction of their faith. He taught them about the end of age and all the complications thereof. All of these, He did deliberately, so they can be sanctified. He manifested the name of the Father to them. He kept them by the Word of God.
In John 17:14, at his final prayer for the disciples He said: “I have given them Your word; and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. (NKJV) It is very illuminating that our Lord could say boldly, I have given them your word. I have not kept anything back that is profitable from them. This is another example of His labour of love. He would expound scripture to them beginning at Moses and all the prophets.
This is a point of omission in many marital relationships. Husbands often take for granted the fact that it is first and foremost their duty to instruct their household in way of the Lord. They assume that the pastors on the public pulpit can build up their wives properly in the way of the Lord and in the vision that God gave them peculiarly for bringing the woman into their lives. What a costly assumption! This is the reason why many homes are in disarray today. Wives have not been taught and cleansed by the washing of water by the word. She has been left on her own to fend for herself in searching around for green pastures. Several husbands are not deeply rooted in the word themselves, so they cannot wash another by the water of the word.
Deliberate teaching of the word Is a labour of love each husband must undertake for his wife. I wish to emphasise here that this is more than the general family altars with the children who are still toddlers. It is first the sanctifying and cleansing of your wife by the washing of water by the word. This is a personally applied study of the word, so as to deal with spots and wrinkles in her character. As the husband himself is applying himself to the word of God that sanctifies, he is growing progressively in his own walk with the Lord. He then helps his wife to come along in the same path of sanctification. It is as this sanctfying process manifests in their character that they may have somewhat to offer to their children and others who live around them. A woman who has not been washed this way by the water of the word is still full of hang-ups and carry-overs from the “country of Egypt’. She may become an embarrassment to her husband at the gates among the elders, but it would not be her fault. She cannot also step into any place where she can be a real help meet for the husband because of this personal deficiency. Husband, if you desire to see your wife presentable to yourself and to Christ; without any spot or wrinkle in character; glorious and virtuous within; then bend down and do this labour of love now. And it must be done in love. It is not a lecturer-student relationship, it is not even a pastor-member relatonship. It must be done tenderly, gently and applicably yet firmly. The watch-word is in Eph. 4.15 “but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ” (NAU)
In this way, the need for personal bible study as husband and wife is a necessity. Where a man and his wife do not pray together regularly and study God’s word together, there will not be wanting several dark spots and wrinkles in their character and relationship. It is God’s word that straightens us out and clears off the dark areas of our lives. It is good for both of you to attend the same church or fellowship where you can be built up in the word of God but that is not sufficient and cannot make for the omission of your personal labour in love over the cleansing of your wife by the washing of water by the word. It is bad enough if the husband goes to a different fellowship or church while the wife goes to another. Let not ministry put you asunder. Such ministers, who would appoint the wife to a position of leadership while her husband fellowships elsewhere, are zealous to affect you in a wrong way. Do not give ln to that manipulation. Do all you can to sanctify and cleanse your wife by this washing of water by the word.
You may sit together to listen to messages on tape from preachers who teach sound and wholesome doctrine. Buy good books for your wife, but plan to review it together. Do not leave her to make whatever she could out of it all. It is your responsibility. Take her out on personal retreats where you are alone with each other and with God to continue this process.
A Passion For Her Perfection
This kind of love we see in Christ towards the Church is passionate for the perfection of the bride. There is a deep longing in the heart of our Lord to see the Church become glorious and triumphant in every area. His thoughts towards individual members of the body are thoughts of good and not evil. They are thoughts of prosperity and not of disaster. It is to bring each one and then the church collectively to a glorious end. The love Jesus demonstrates towards His Church is such that would make the Church a partaker of His divine nature, of His glory and of his virtues. that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. (vs. 27)
He has a burning passion for the church. This is why He gives gifts unto men and sends them to the vineyard as builders who should prepare the saints for work of kingdom service till we all grow up unto Him in all things (Eph.4: 7-16). He does not want to be the only begotten Son of God, but only seek to be the first among many brethren. He equips the members of the body with abilities and spiritual gifts so as to function per excellence. He told His disciples in John 14:12 “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father.” (NKJV). That speaks of His selfless passion for His body. He would not be jealous even if the disciples did more works of miracles than He did. He looks for the church to break forth in the glory of God. He is willing to release unto her all that were peculiarly His, if that will bring the church to the place of glory He seeks for her.
Christ’s passion is for a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing. He labours in love to remove every stain of sin from our lives. He is very meticulous about tiny spots that will spoil the white garment of righteousness on that glorious day. He desires that the church should be holy and without blemish.
“So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.”
This again brings to us very forcefully that this same passion ought to be the passion in the hearts of husbands for their wives. This kind of love in the heart of the husband will compell him to seek the best for his wife. It will create a strong bunning desire in him to see her excel spiritually, mentally, socially and in all she puts her hand to do.
While Proverbs 31 speaks so excellently of the virtuous woman, we now realise in the New Testament that it is the secret labour of the husband that makes such a woman and creates the atmosphere conducive for her to grow to her highest limit in God. We said earter in this book that it is what you call forth out of your wife that she will be in life. What men call her cannot be higher than what you have called her in your heart. Out of your fullness has she received grace upon grace. If your heart is narrow and selfish, her progress and enlargement will be a problem to you. You wil reduce her size and shape. She will be cowed up in your littleness. You will be afraid of her outshining you. You will want to occupy her with menial jobs, which others could handle on your behalf. You will be afraid of exposing her to all the resources that could make her great in life. You will quietly suppress her from any public notice. You will be competing with her in your heart. Instead of allowing her to compliment you and make up for your deficiency, you rather duplicate her efforts and render her redundant.
Dear-brother, check your heart again. Do you really love your wife as you love your own body? Do you have this large heart of Jesus to make enough room for your wife to grow her full length yet within you? Do you rejoice to see her perform even better than yourself, if that be the purpose of God? Can you lavish upon her such imputs that will make her come forth as glorious in this life and in the world to come? Can you release unto her all that the Father has taught you, if that will help her to excel in life, knowing she is still the flesh of your flesh? Can you sponsor her to any level in her educational career, even if you cannot go further than where you have reached? Jesus, our pattern and standard of a husband gave all He has for us to become the first and the best among men. See what He said in John 17:22-23 . “And the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they may be one just as We are one: I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You have sent Me, and have lowed them as You have loved Me.” (NKJV)
What is the condition of your heart? Are you always seeking the best for yourself even at the expense of your wife? If you love her, you will be very passionate about her breaking forth in glory. You may want her to do some business in so much as it will enhance you. You use her and dump her. You asked her to leave School to face childbearing and children upbringing. But now, you starve her of money to run her personal needs. Where is the love af God to your heart? “He who loves his wife loves himself’, This is Gods verdict. I have said that even your wife may be satisfied with the peanuts you throw to her occasionally, but God is the witness between you and her. He is the one you must represent in the home unto her. The love God wants her to receive is His own very love but through you. What a grave responsibility to be a husband! It is the love that serves and does not wait to be served. It is the love that seeks the other person’s interest rather than his own. Do you really love the wife of your youth; apart from the superlative speeches you make when she has cooked your favourite dish and when you want her in bed?
Nourishing Her And Yet Cherishing Her
Genuine love in the heart will result definitely in a tender care and deep appreciation of your wife. It will draw from you a hand of mercy that gives and gives again. For God so loved the world that He gave… True love always gives. It gives not to gain mastery over the receiver. It does not give the giver the ownership right over the receiver. It is in this line that we shall examine what our pattem husband and Lord does to the church so that we may take our bearing from His lifestyle. Nourishing and yet cherishing is the divine combination of the outworking of this love in the heart of a husband in the will of God. . “For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.” (V.29)
First, the definite heart condition that must under guard our response here is what the Lord had re-echoed again. “For no one ever hated his own flesh…” and in the next verse He noted that we are “members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones”. The crux of Genesis-two marriage is this understanding that she is no more on her own. She is a woman because she was taken out of man. She is not a separate entity so to say. She is a member of my body, of my flesh and of my bones.
Spirit, Soul and Body
We discussed this in details as we studied the three dimensional coupling in the marriage God had planned for his man. Again we see it here illustrated by our Lord in His marital relationship with the Church, his body on earth. Hence, what you do for her is not for another, but for yourself. It is not as if we are doing service to a stranger. It is actually a feeding of your self, so you can become more complete and agile for the call of God for which you were created and brought in to this matrimony. The only reasonable thing a man does for his body is to nourish and to feed it with balanced diet. It is not only the physical food that the body needs. The mind and the spirit of man must be fed appropriately.
As we consider your wife as part of you, you need to nourish her in these three dimensions as well. Everything you do to build up your inner man and your intelectual man and your outer man must be done in proportion for your wife as well. Just as the physical body is the container of the man within and God prepared our bodies for us to live in and to carry us about as a vehicle for the discharge of our mandate while in this world, particular attention must be given your wife’s body as well. Proper food not junks must be your priority. Help her to exercise her limbs and muscles, so she can retain her shape for a long tme. The simple care of her skin will keep her the beautrful lady you met at your beginning of days. Her adoring must not be that of outward cosmetic make-ups. Each of us was wonderfully and fearfully made. Each one has a beauty that is unique and peculiar to him or her. Appreciate that naturalness and just maintain it, with simple rule of hygiene.
Do not starve your wife of clothes to wear. Expensive clothes are not necessary. Simplicity and functionality is the goal you must set. A set of simple, modest clothes and shoes will do. Contentment with godliness is a great gain. Your home must be conducive for healthy living. See to it that what you have is neatly kept. Cleanliness is next to godliness, the people say. There are several rules of hygiene in the book of Deuteronomy which if you keep, you will live long and fulfil your ministry while your body is still in shape.
Nourishing her mentally and emotionally is another crucial aspect In buliding a healthy marital relationship. Most men do not know how to help their wives to keep healthy minds and sharp intellect. If you refer back to all we said about the mind structure of the man and the woman, it will again help you here. Anxiety and fear of the future has a devastating effect on the mind of a person. It becomes very serious in women, if the pile on the minds is not removed from time to time. Nourishing her mind will first require reformatting it. It will require off loading her burdens off her mind. You need to spend time listening to her. As she speaks out her mind, she is getting a relief. The space is being freed for fresh thoughts.
A woman reduces in her resourcefulness when she is bugged down with the same thoughts over a period of time. She falls into a mere routine, singing the same old songs. Once you enter a cycle of routine, you will appear busy, but your vector displacement is zero. You need not just listen to her; get ready to play the man for her. Shoulder the responsibility that is hers, even if it is to assure her of taking it up in a special time of prayer. Change her outline of thoughts, by introducing a different subject that is exciting and fascinating. Help her to see what else she can do with her tremendous deposit of grace.
Several women have accepted inferiority and mediocrity just because they are overwhelmed and overcharged with details. They overlook what God has placed in them. You need to encourage her to see possibilities rather than impossibilities around her. Affirm her with words of encouragement. Do remember that since the fall, every woman looks for acceptance and the pass mark of a man, first their husbands, but generally the comments of the male folk means a lot to her. She never feels she has dressed well until some one makes a favourable comment about it. Do not be stingy with your words of appreciation. It releases her thoughts from that matter for something else.
Her intellect must not be left to get rusty. Learning is for life. What you know before, you will forget unless you employ it gainfully or update it by learning something new around it. Help your wife to read books regularly. It does not have to be fat books and sophisticated materials. Simple Christian literatures, magazines and journals are all sufficient to keep some one’s intellect fresh. Engage her in thinking and planning with you. Engage her in writing report of what you discussed. The art of composition writing, taking notes and summarising long discussions in writing are all important in developing an intellect that is average. Read together, during your retreat. Help her to improve her communication skills if she is poor in that. Planning and accounting is a very good way of refreshing one’s memory. Involve her in projects however small and charge her lovingly with the duty of keeping the accounts. Her ability to recall things will greatly improve.
Nourishing her spirit man has been discussed virtually under the washing of water by the word. It only remains for me to add that the development of the inner man is the most crucial of all we have discussed. It is what releases her spirituality and grace. It will handle all the tendency for depression and discouragement. It flushes out unbelief and doubt and the anxiety that scatters the mind of several wives. It must be pursued deliberately. Go together for spiritual retreats as a couple. Plan to attend Christian conferences where you can experience an atmosphere of divine encounter. Move into areas of ministry where you are drawing upon her inner man to serve others in the gospel. Allow your wife to share her faith or give talks to people when the door opens for such a ministry. Even if there is none, you can create one. You can engage her in person to person evangelism. Prepare together bible studies you will use as follow up with individuals. All of these will exercise her inner man much more.
This is the aspect of encouraging, affirming, assuring and appreciating her. No one grows well if she goes about every day with uncertainty in her minds as regards If she is doing well or not. A chid that is over criticised for everything he does with little or no appreciation will grow to be critical and suspicious of every one. Since he never has inner boldness about what he does, he will think those who are confident are only being proud. He comes with the sense of guilt all the time. A wife must be cleansed. She is a favour you have received from the Lord. She is not all trouble in your flesh. The truth may actually be that you are the very troubler of Israel. Cleanse her with words of appreciation deep from your heart. Enumerate things God has used her to do in your life and in the family. Teach the children to appreciate each one of you particularly and corporately.
Cherishing her will mean a deep respect for her personality. Do not only appreciate her In the secret of your bedroom. Loud appreciation, not a carnal cajole of your wife in the presence of friends and colleagues helps to assure her that she is not just a nuisance in your life. To cherish her will mean to be proud to own her in the public. Stand together. Attend public functions together. Allow her to speak on your behalf sometime even when you are there. If you will look into the chapter where we dealt with “Absolute Nakedness” you will discover that all the issues we raised in not being ashamed of your partner are also applicable here.
This Is a Great Mystery
Despite all we have seen in the course of this study, I must confess that marriage is still a great mystery to me. All the years of my study and our own mariage, we are still making more and more discoveries of this mystery. The climax of the marital union is seen in Christ and his marriage with his church, the bride. Our own matrimony is but a reflection and an experiment of what God had ordained. As I leave you at this point, we cannot say we have said all that need to be said on this great institution. But this is written to grant you a take off into this provision of God. Afar, it was painted to me so fearfully. But having come this way for this number of years it is also my personal testimony, that “whoso finds a wife finds a good thing and has obtained favour from the Lord”
You wil do well to take this book as a foundation, on which you can build your matrimony. The finishing and the furnishing is what you will work out with Him who is the principal witness in your relationship. He is always and ever there. He will perfect all that concerns you.
While there are yet several issues waiting for us to speak into, ‘nevertheless, let each of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” Make a personal and particular commitment to your own matrimony. Others homes may collapse, yours must not. Dare to lift high your head and His banner with your mamiage.
Marriage is a school, I have discovered. You have much to keep learning from the Lord and from each other. You will not ever graduate from it. It is only exciting if each day of your marital relationship draws you closer to the Lord, closer to each other and closer to the mark for the prize of His high calling for you in Christ Jesus. This mystery is also a means to an end. It ends here on the earth. Up there, they do not marry; neither do they give in marriage. I must advise you then in the words of the writer of Ecclesiastes: let your garments always be white, and let your head lack no oil. Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He have given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labour which you perform under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might: for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going. Eccl 9:8-10 (NKJV)
And look at how the Living Bible renders verse nine “Live happily with the woman you love through the fleeting days of life, for the
wife God gives you is your best reward down here for all your earthly toil” (TLB)
Culled from the last chapter of the book “No More Two” by brother Gbile Akanni.